Winter Chan

為了生死而受苦
七天七夜禪堂住
回光反照觀自心
如在汒海撈銀針
無明妄想如灰塵
蓋住菩提真本性
只有慈悲善知識
為開解脫煩惱程

To understand birth and death, I endured suffering.
Seven days and seven nights, in the Chan hall I stayed.
Turning the light withing to reflect on my own mind,
It was like searching for a silver needle in the great sea.
Ignorance and false thoughts are like dust,
Covering Bodhi's original nature.
Only with the help of a compassionate good knowing one,
The path to leave suffering was opened to me.
~jozhade



With the Chan hall's temperature hovering around freezing point, and the long meditation hours from 4am till 10pm, staring at blank walls, I thought my first Winter Chan experience was going to be a nightmare. But I was wrong. Of course, the pain in my legs were still ever present, but still, it turned out to be the best meditation session that I have had all these years. Special thanks to my personal set of suns! Who always provided me with brilliant sunshine in my life - the students from the Boy's School! And most importantly, to my teacher, Master Hua, who was always there for me.



10 jan (Day 0) - Arrived in cttb with Andrew. Jim was the 1st to see me and the moment he called out "Jonathan!!!" all the other heads from the boy's dorm started popping out of the door and soon a hug line formed... Lolz... They always remind me of characters from some cartoon. It was a day for settling in and catching up and surprisingly, Mr. K allowed me to spend the night in the boy's dorm! I planned my schedule for the week and decided that I was gonna miss the 4am and 5am sits, but in exchange, i shall attend all the other sits in the day and will not fall asleep during any of them.



11 jan (Day 1) - After breakfast at 6:15am, I began my 1st sit at 0730 hrs. The day went by pretty fast and my meditations were filled with random thoughts and of course... twilight. In between breaks, I hung out with the students. Soon a circle gathered around where I stood, and Alex Lee who just came back to the dorm joined in the chat. Took him about 3 mins after chatting with everyone before he exclaimed "Wait! Jonathan! Oh my god!" Lolz


12 jan (Day 2) - Morning meditation was filled with Abba songs. =.=. Blame "Mama mia." Afternoon meditation was just painful. Pain in legs, pain in head, and all I thought of was about my life - the good, the bad, the ugly. Night meditation, guess what, I thought of chocolate cookies! And when I went to hang out with the students later, Sunny and Jim both gave me a chocolate cookie each! Talk about manifestation of thoughts!



13 jan (Day 3) - The pain intensified and my mind suddenly ran out of thoughts to think of. That feeling of blankness was even more torturous than the pain in the legs. Many people said that the 3rd day is always the worst. Then things get better after.

14 jan (Day 4) - The morning sits went by fast. I thought I was getting a hang of it. Then came afternoon which was simply torturous. I thought to myself where was the "things get better" part of it? By dinner time, I was at the brink of giving up when I saw a book left on the Annex's table by someone. Flipping through it, I saw a interview done with Ajahn Jumnian! The monk I met in Berkeley Monastery a year ago! After reading this, I remembered a mantra he thought me back then, and used it during my next sit, holding the full lotus posture. As the minutes went by, the pain grew more and more intense. I held on to the mantra and fought with the pain. Suddenly the pain begin to subside a little and just at that moment, the bell rang. The sit was over, and I had passed through the 50 minutes pain gate.

During the night lecture, I was asked to be the interpreter. My first time. Really wished I could have done better as it was a really interesting story. Dharma Master Yan Lun from Shaolin monastery was relating his experience of the Chan session - how he was inspired, how he struggled with the full lotus, how he was challenged by the death god, and how he overcame it.

15 jan (Day 5) - Inspired by Dharma Master Yan lun's story, I decided to hold the full lotus posture for all my sits as well. I succeeded in all except the last one which was a 1.5 hour sit. The day went by fast, but every sit was a full encounter with the pain of the legs and mind. It never went to sleep like in my meditations of the past. I was asked to be the interpreter for the lecture again today.

16 jan (Day 6) - Continued sitting in full lotus for all 3 sits in the morning and 2 in the afternoon. By the 3rd sit, I felt intense heat surrounding my whole body and the heat rose into my head. I felt as if my head was going to explode and at that point, I gave up and released my legs. During my sit, several questions also came into my mind. I was asking, why do we have to sit in full lotus? It is so painful that I can't even concentrate on anything else. Should I continue to endure the pain or just go into half lotus and concentrate on meditating? I felt drained as i walked out of the Chan hall and Ben was saying that's weird, people usu get re-charged.

That night, during lecture, I was the interpreter again and I was shocked when we were listening to tapes of Shr Fu's lectures. His words were the exact answer to the questions in my head, and the exact answers to my experience. It felt almost as if he had heard the thoughts in my head and was answering to them.

I was asked to say a few words the assembly to close the lecture session since it was going to be my last night and so I just talked about my experience on the 4th day, reading Ajhan Jumnian's book, and listening to Rev. Yan Lun's story, how it gave me the encouragement to sit through all the 50 min sits in full lotus when I had actually wanted to only do it once. And that closed the lecture for that day.

We went on to our last sit and having new encouragement now. I began my sit with added fervor. I held my full lotus posture and told myself that no matter what happens, I will not release it. The pain came back in about 20 min. The heat came as well, but I never got back the stabbing pain in the head. By the one hour point, I was beginning to be in extreme pain and my body started to shake tremendously. But I kept to my resolve. I endured and finally, the bell rang. I have passed the 1.5 hour full lotus timing.

I walked Syd to his dad's car, then went to look for Andrew. I had so much energy in me that when I ran pass Annex 2, all the boys thought they saw something flying pass their window and came out to check. Lolz. So I chatted with them for a while before heading to Andrew and Sunny's annex. And Alex tricked me into eating a thick paste of milk tea! By the time I came out, the lights were already out and it was pitch dark. So Andrew walked me all the way back to my Annex before returning to his room.


17 jan (Day 7) - I went for the 3 morning sits, then in the afternoon, was asked to drive the boys out to their basketball game at the nearby Native Indian Reservation. So cool, my 1st time stepping into one. Though it was not what I thought it would look like. I was thinking - La Push. from Twilight. Lolz. The rest of the day, I just hung out with the boys till dinner time when I had to leave. Its always so heart breaking to see their sad faces. But I have a plane to catch, and my family is waiting for me in Singapore. So today I left the City of Ten Thousand Buddhas not knowing when I will be back again. But this place will always always hold a special place in my heart.